Its been a while now ...

A long time since i have written here, its just been a time of reflection, stress and trying to get over the initial treatment. My next stage is now about to begin, more hospital appointments with the specialist at the hospital over the next few weeks.

First is the oncologist appointments to see how well my initial treatment went and to explain the next steps, then the surgeon to explain the surgery that i need, then the plastic surgeon to tell me how the reconstrucive surgery will need to be done.

The next stage will be the toughest, the operation then six months of chemotherapy, not just the physical changes that i have to deal with but also the mental changes, will have to think differently too. Home life will have to change as well as there is a lot of stress that i dont need around my life and dont think i could handle everything at same time.

I will post more as time goes on, keep tuning in and when i have the op i shall be posting daily again.

Day thirty two

Well its daythirty two, only  four days left of this inital round of treatment. How happy am i that it is coming to an end, i am all washed up, burnt and slightly emotionally drained although i try not to show it, it has been a hard slog for me. Sometimes i have sat and cried when on my own, not because i feel sorry for myself but just because of what is happeneng and what is to come. The time gets closer to the time my life changes forever, will never been the same mo again; physically different permanently after the operation, mentally who knows, for a long time i will not be the same old mo i know that for sure. Its something i have no control over so its something i just have to learn to accept, to live with, to exist with, to co-exist with, however one wishes to put it; i am not looking forward to the next cycle of treatment. 

Well off to get another zapping today: have to take my pills soon so will update later as to how the day went. 

Have a good day my dear blog readers!

Day Saturday

Well its Saturday and i had to go to hospital this morning, the new painkillers they gave me yesterday are not as goood for the pain but they dont have side effects like the others.

Pain still bad and still very tired but the sun is shining and i will spend some time in my garden today.

Will add soemthing later if i can stay awake!!!

Day something or other

Well had another bad day yesterday, got some new pain killers from the doctor. I took some yesterday morning and they made me high, drowsy and sleepy. I took some more at around lunchtime and the same happened. They are really good painkillers and i hd relief from the pain for the first time for a few weeks. The thing about them was i took some before bed, i was really tired anyway but these made me go to sleep quite fast. About 1am i woke up thinking i was going to die, every few minutes i would get a strange feeling almost like a hot flush running throiugh my body and my arms were tingling. I got out of bed afterabout 15 mins or more and was very unbalanced on my feet and made my way down stairs for some water. I had to sit down on my sofa for about an hour just to make myself feel a bit better. I then went back to bed about 3am or so; i fell to sleep quite quickly again and this morning woke at 6.30 and got up at 7.30. I feel a bit better today but i shall not take those pills again and shall tell my cancer nurse today what happened.

On Tuesday my weekly meeting with the senior radiologist was helpful as always. She gave me some antiseptic and pain relief liquid in a syringe type thing. I used it yesterday and it was very good, i am not sure whether it was the strong pain killers or the syringe or both but i have just applied some more now and hopefully i will feel same as yesterday without the awful effects of the pain killing drugs.

Well off for my daily zapping later: stay tuned and enjoy my blog :)

Day whatever...

Well its been a while since i have updated my blog, over a week and i have lost count of the days.
I have been for my daily zappings and have been in real pain, it quite bad, find it hard to sit down comfortably and its very hard to toilet properly, like sh*tting razor blades to be truthful. Been quite tired too so have not really bothered with this.

The radiologist and people says my health is quite good considering, my blood levels are all normal, so in that respect all is going ok. Been out to scoialise a couple of times, being at home all the time is driving me mad, always things that i should be doing but never bother to get off my sore ass to do anything.

Strange thoughts, strange dreams, realisation et al, it all gets one a little down sometimes. have to take one stage at a time or it will drtive me even madder.

Off for my zapping again today so will update later and normal service will resume tomorrow.

Day fifteen

Well today was just another day, tired, hospital, pills, pain .....

Day eleven

Well what a day, woke up late and took my chemo slightly later than i should have done.  Felt slighly groggy this morning and a bit grumpy. A rather uneventful day really, my radiotherapy was very late at 1840. I left my home at 16.30 and was still late, it took me two hours to travel on the bus, the traffic was really bad and the us changed destination half way through so i had to pay twice as well, really annoying when your stuck on a smelly bus for hours and you have to pay twice to do it. Got to hospital and had my radiotherapy, i felt a little pain but nothing too much. felt a bit nauseous in the evening so took some of my anti-sick pills, had a meal and my evening chemo. Watched a film then bed.

Tomorrow, the same i guess, woopiieeee!

Day nine / day Ten

I forgot to enter my blog yesterday so i will do two days today or my dates will be out of sync.

Day nine:
Took my chemo as normal at 0700, was feeling a bit nauseaus but only slightly. Was feeling my usual tiredness but thats getting normal now. The weather doesn't help much as it is always rainy and cold here so its not like i can go for a walk.
The afternoon came for my medication and i was feeling very nauseaus, i took my aftrnoon pills and soe anti-nausea pills to counteract the chemo. They sure did help.
I went to the hospital for my daily zapping, the usual not very different from any other zapping except there has been a lot of blood around so was worried about the radiologist noticing something that i had not cleaned properly.

After my zapping i saw the senior radiologist to ensure all was running normally with the radiology, we had a half hour discussion about, my blood which she said was surprisingly normal as usually people have a small abnormality. The effects or the radioation which was normal and she explained about things that might be happening with my body by end of week.

After this i went for my weekly blood test, this is something i hate, i know its only a little prick but i hate the feeling of that needle going in, i dont know how junkies like to do it so much, i will stick to being an alcohol junkie thanks.

In the evening i settled down with a can of beer and watch the excellent Chelsea v Barc game, and what a game :D

Day ten:

Just another shitty day !!

Day eight

Well went to Guys today for my zapping, was early in the day so had to leave early and travel throught the rush hour which was not as bad as i thought it would be. Woke up a little groggy at 0630 but did not get up until a little later so took my morning chemo a little late too.

Went for zapping and then came home, the treatment is starting to piss me off now, only day 8 but seems like day 88. :(

Took my evening chemo at 1900, just feeling a little tired, it was st georges day and was going to take a trip out but did not feel fit enough to go.

I just wish it was all over and not really happening.

Day Six / Day Seven

Well just having the weekend, been tiring all week and just resting. Went to end of my road to watch themarathon this morning and now waiting for my Sunday dinner. The chemo has made me very tired both yesterday and today. This morning when i woke up it felt like i had a hangover from hell, but i had no drink. Apparently its the chemo hangover, they are bad, it took me at least 15 minutes to move after i sat up whereas i normally bolt out of bed. Oh well they say it will get worse next week, woopie, more fun!Well not really much else to say except i hope eveyone had a good weekend and shall update tomorrow after my radiotherapy session.

Day five

Well, yesterday was real heavy!!! I could not write on my blog yesterday as i was so upset, confused, dejected and whatever other adjective you want to use.

Yesterday morning i took my morning pills and was feeling ok, i went for my daily zapping but was feeling quite good. I met my case worker cancer nurse after my zapping for a quick meeting. She is a lovely nurse and very helpful. We discussed a few things and all was fine: after the meeting with my case worker we went to a support group for other people with my predicament shall we say. Oh my god! I was a little nervous to go at first, but i got to the room and we all sat and had coffee and biscuits and was having a laugh and joke about things before we started the group meeting. everyone was a lot older than me which did not make me feel bad but did make me feel a little uneasy i guess. I was quite relaxed, then we started the meeting; my case worker and another nurse were there to host the meeting. We went around the room and everyone introduced themselves and relayed their story to the rest of the group. Well my heart must have broke into a thousand pieces at least once, the stories were so sad, i thought oh shit, im just starting out and i have to go through that shit! I nearly cried at a few of the stories it was unbelieveable what some of the peole went through. Everyone's story is different but the underlying road is the same. I have that horrid road to tred and i am not looking forward to it, it really hit me yesterday, the reality of what i have and the consequences, the outcome, the pain and heartache is really yet to come. I will have to make some very harsh, decisive and unalterable decisions in the quite near future. Last night when i got home I was not miserable but just thoughtful, a few tears quietly fell down my cheeks when i had a few moments to myself, not because i felt sorry for myself but for the sheer reality and possible outcomes that i face.

Well today is another day and i have to be positive. I have taken my morning chemo pills and other pills for side effects. I have to go for another zapping today at a different hospital than i normally go to and its quite late so we will be going for a meal or something after as its been a tough week and we both need a little time to unwind. 

Will update later about the rest of the day. Have a good day whoever and wherever you are!!!

Day four

I will update tomorrow as i dont feel like it now.

Day three

Well, woke at normal time of 0630; had some breakfast and coffee, at 0700 took my morning chemo of 3x500mg tabs and some anti-effect tabs. Feel a bit more awake than yesterday, i had to sleep yesterday: although i feel tired today and only been up for 3 hours i dont want to sleep. My idea is that only lazy or old people sleep in the afternoon but i cant help it and i get annoyed that i am so tired allt he time.

Found out yesterday that all my blood levels are normal, no liver problems, no blood infections, no hepatitas infections, no hiv infections and no alcohol in bloodstream. Wait a minute, no alcohol in bloodstream, thats not normal, oh doctor whats wrong with me! Maybe a pint of guiness at the weekend will put it back to normal :) i wonder if i could get guiness on prescription?

Today I have some counselling at Guys hospital for an hour, this is a 'coping with it therapy'. I then have to go to st thomas's hospital for my daily zapping. Its hard to be motivated to do anything really, i have quite a bit of time on my hands and i could be doing so much but i just cant be bothered. Maybe when the first week is over i will make more use of my time. Have a good day everyone and i will update later!

Went to the cousellors today for a chat before my zapping. was just a chat to see what they could do for me and what i would get from them. The session lasted 50 mins and was quite helpful. After the session i went for my radiotherapy zapping. Was ok and just the same as all weeks except my bum got a bit chilly as the room seemed cold ;) Its like doing a jigsaw every day, repetitive and dont seem to have any relevance although it does, you dont feel anything when you get zapped, its just the process. After being zapped today though i did need the toilet rather urgent and then again about 5 mins later, i did think i was going to wee myself on the second time.

Just had my evening chemotherapy and going to have some food, take it easy for the rest of the night and watch the football; then go to bed and do the same all over again tomorrow, woopppiee doo! Good night all. 

Day Two

Woke up my usual 0630 this morning, had some coffe and cereal at 0645. At 0700 took my cheno tabs 3x500mg and one for some side effects; by the time 830 came i was so tired again i fell asleep on my sofa, woke up at 1000. Feeling really really tired today, dont know if it is the weather and because i just woke but i feel drained at the moment. I have to go to hospital later for my second treatment of radiotherapy. Will update later what happens, have a good day all!.

Well, had my second radiotherapy zap! its rather uneventful really, just a pain to have to travel for one hour to hospital, then wait for half hour or more whilst the fluid goes through body then 15 minutes zap, then one hour or more back again through rush hour. Its the only way to do it i suppose. Took my evening chemo and some anti-effect drugs. Went to play chess at my local club, could not concentrate and felt really tired. Went to bed about 10 o'clock and fell asleep rather quickly.

Start of full treatment

Today is the day I start my full course of treatment, this is the day i have been dreading for a while now.

This morning at 0700 I took my three 500mg Chemo tablets and I took an anti-sickness pill too, just in case I would be sick. The on duty oncologist confirmed it would be a good idea to do this. The pills have made me feel a little light headed, its hard to say really but I think they have or it could just be due to anxiety; I really am not sure. I have to leave for my radiotherapy session soon : they said that the radiotherapy would take about a week to kick in and i would feel the effects. I have to keep a close eye on my temperature too, if it goes below 36 or above 37.5 i have to ring the hospital oncologist straight away, so I shall recored my temperature when i take my pills again later. I took it this morning and it was 35.7 but tat was before i took my pills and was probably due to it being so cold. I will make a further update later when I return from radio treatment and after I take my evening pills.

I think this is when I will start to feel things worse now, we shall see.

Picked up my Chemotherapy tablets

I have not posted for a while as have just had routine checks and been too tired.

Yesterday I went to pick up my Chemotherapy tablets. Well i thought it was just them but i walked out with a carrier bag full of pills. 5 different pills to counteract the side effects of the chemo, i have to take 3 chemo tabs twice a day and then the others for side effects. A lot!!!

I felt a bit down yesterday after picking up my tabs, i thought oh no not all those tabs. I felt like it was the beginning of the end. I actually sat and trhought about just taking them all with a bottle of water i bought. I got a little drunk and was not thinking clearly, it was just a thought as i was drunk and a bit down. I should not really be drinking as the doctor said the cheno tabs will weaken my liver and drink on top could cause more problems with my liver as it would be weakened already from the pills.

I had a nice long sleep today and now feel a little better but with a slight groggy head.

Went for my radiotherpay mappings

Yesterday I went for my mapping for my radiotherapy. I was put on the machine and they basically lined me all up and ensured that i was in the correct position etc. They then made three small marks on my body which the lasers find to guide the radio beams. It all only lasted around 15 mins in all but that bit is over now. I was given my timetable for the start of the sessions and thankfully they are all in the same hospital as they could have been in different ones.

I am getting quite tired during the day, dont know if it is inactivity or just this damn cancer and blood loss that is causing it but i just nod off sometome for no reason. Also in a little pain at times and finding it hard to sit for long periods.

Met some old friends last night and had a good catchup. Time flies so quickly; its been about 11 years since we first met at a job i was on, only seems like yesterday.

A night out with friends

Had a good night out last night with some old friends that i had not seen for a while. We all had a good night, few drinks, watched a singer, had more drink, and more drinks and had some well needed fun. It lifed my spirits a bit and i was relaxed for the first time for a while. Thanks to all of you, you know who you are.

Now I have to go on Monday for my radiotherapy mappings at st thomas' hospital. Trying now to ready myself for the start of things, i am really not looking forward to the next stage in my life. I will keep my chin up, put on a brave face and battle my way through it. I know i have a lot of support, but somtimes i feel like its just me against the dreaded mister evil, the big c. My mind and body will beat you mister evil, just you wait and see!

Getting tired and tetchy

Today i was told that I am to have my radiology mappping. Basically this mean I go to the hispital and they put me in the CT scanning machine and work out where the lasers are to go on my body to guide the radiotherpay beams. They will tatoo 5 points on my stomach or back.

I also read through pages and pages or paperwork regarding my treatment, the radiology, chemotherapy and somethings from macmillian canger org. there is so much to know.

I also contacted a laywer regarding my sick pay today since my payroll are not even paying me my normal wages now. They told me my wages would be in yesterday, as of today nothing. I have a conference tomorrow with them to talk things over.

I am getting very tired, i dont sleep very well at night and get so tired during the day, i am now often sleeping in the afternoon and i never ever do that but i cant help it. I sit down and fall asleep as im get so weary. My mind wanders away in thought of things that just dont make sense and i find it hard to concentrate sometimes. I am getting less tolerant with things and started to bicker a lot, this is probably due to the tiredness i guess.

At least on Monday i will feel things are moving along. After the mappings on Monday it will be 2 weeks before i start my radio and chemo combination therapy. thats when it all starts and i think when it will really hit me hard.

thank you to all who read my blog and escpecially those who make nice comments.

Saw the Oncologist today

I went to the hospital today to see the Oncologist. I had my treatment outlined and was told about support services etc, a little more upbeat today than yesterday.

I also may have to take legal action against ***(my agents) and my payroll company **** in Zurich as they are trying to not pay me the correct sick pay. I will have to get a lawyer and take action as what they are trying to pay me is less than 20% of my actual salary. All i need at a time like this. I think they are counting on me not fighting it, but i will fight until i get a just and right outcome, they think i do not know Swiss law, well a swiss lawyer would, let the next fight begin!!!

3am and can't sleep

I dont know why i call this blog, fighting cancer, it not a fight! The cancer has won already, I have to accept what is going to happen now; nothing I can do will make it go away or kill it off. I just have to let the surgeons cut it out and take half of me with it. I will be physically different afterwards, acceptance that this is going to happen in a hard thing. After the operation will be the fight to ensure it does not come back, until then i have to go through a tough time of radio and chemo therapies and be strong through this time. It has already won a battle but not the war, i will rid this from me. I keep asking myself what have I done to deserve this, why me, and lots more unanswerable questions. There are no answers, it just happens, it just is, just as I am I, and I will be I afterwards, maybe just a little smaller i, but nonetheless i still am I.
Later is the Oncologist at the hospital to inform me of my treatment and the timetable for it. I will post that later. Please no more shocks; its hard enough as it is.

Meeting with Surgeon

Today 26th March I met with my surgeon. He explained to me all about the cancer and what stage it was at. It is worse than first thought, The cancer has been classed as T3A is 4cm in size and growing,

The cancer has probably spread but they are not 100% sure yet but the surgeon says that is is most likely to have spread into a neighbouring area. The cancer is growing inward and has breached the surface area and is now digging itself in. He confirmed that i would have a combinatioon of radiotherapy and chemotherapy. I have a meeting with the oncologist tomorrow to confirm the timeframe. The surgeon says that the chemotherapy will kill any cancerous cells in the bloodstream and stop it from migrating to lungs or liver which would be worse. The surgeon says the operation will be a major one and that i would probably spend some time in hospital. The could be complications like chest infections and normal operation dangers. The cancer is in a very bad place and that the surgery would change my life forever, there was only one option to take and was the operation.

I feel so upset and helpless as I did not realise it was so bad and this was the worse case scenario that I could imagine. I am devastated and I will never be the same person again, both physically and mentally, I feel I shall never be whole again and it will be noticable and tangible. I want to say more but I need to come to terms with this first.

What lies ahead is not good but I have to be strong and carry on ......

Prognosis

Tuesday March 6th was the day my prognosis was reavealed to me. I was told i had colon cancer and that i would need radiotherapy and chemotherapy followed by an operation.
This is my blog, it will chart my fight against cancer and outline how i feel and how the treatment will affect me both physically and mentally. I want people to know what i go through and what the treatment was like for me. I have no idea what the road ahead has laid out for me so i am going to take each day as it comes. My treatment starts very soon, withing the next 2 weeks, and i will post further updates on a daily basis when it does or if i have to see doctors etc. I will try to be as honest and precise as i can; hopefully it will help others who are going through or about to go through the same thing as me.