A night out with friends

Had a good night out last night with some old friends that i had not seen for a while. We all had a good night, few drinks, watched a singer, had more drink, and more drinks and had some well needed fun. It lifed my spirits a bit and i was relaxed for the first time for a while. Thanks to all of you, you know who you are.

Now I have to go on Monday for my radiotherapy mappings at st thomas' hospital. Trying now to ready myself for the start of things, i am really not looking forward to the next stage in my life. I will keep my chin up, put on a brave face and battle my way through it. I know i have a lot of support, but somtimes i feel like its just me against the dreaded mister evil, the big c. My mind and body will beat you mister evil, just you wait and see!

Getting tired and tetchy

Today i was told that I am to have my radiology mappping. Basically this mean I go to the hispital and they put me in the CT scanning machine and work out where the lasers are to go on my body to guide the radiotherpay beams. They will tatoo 5 points on my stomach or back.

I also read through pages and pages or paperwork regarding my treatment, the radiology, chemotherapy and somethings from macmillian canger org. there is so much to know.

I also contacted a laywer regarding my sick pay today since my payroll are not even paying me my normal wages now. They told me my wages would be in yesterday, as of today nothing. I have a conference tomorrow with them to talk things over.

I am getting very tired, i dont sleep very well at night and get so tired during the day, i am now often sleeping in the afternoon and i never ever do that but i cant help it. I sit down and fall asleep as im get so weary. My mind wanders away in thought of things that just dont make sense and i find it hard to concentrate sometimes. I am getting less tolerant with things and started to bicker a lot, this is probably due to the tiredness i guess.

At least on Monday i will feel things are moving along. After the mappings on Monday it will be 2 weeks before i start my radio and chemo combination therapy. thats when it all starts and i think when it will really hit me hard.

thank you to all who read my blog and escpecially those who make nice comments.

Saw the Oncologist today

I went to the hospital today to see the Oncologist. I had my treatment outlined and was told about support services etc, a little more upbeat today than yesterday.

I also may have to take legal action against ***(my agents) and my payroll company **** in Zurich as they are trying to not pay me the correct sick pay. I will have to get a lawyer and take action as what they are trying to pay me is less than 20% of my actual salary. All i need at a time like this. I think they are counting on me not fighting it, but i will fight until i get a just and right outcome, they think i do not know Swiss law, well a swiss lawyer would, let the next fight begin!!!

3am and can't sleep

I dont know why i call this blog, fighting cancer, it not a fight! The cancer has won already, I have to accept what is going to happen now; nothing I can do will make it go away or kill it off. I just have to let the surgeons cut it out and take half of me with it. I will be physically different afterwards, acceptance that this is going to happen in a hard thing. After the operation will be the fight to ensure it does not come back, until then i have to go through a tough time of radio and chemo therapies and be strong through this time. It has already won a battle but not the war, i will rid this from me. I keep asking myself what have I done to deserve this, why me, and lots more unanswerable questions. There are no answers, it just happens, it just is, just as I am I, and I will be I afterwards, maybe just a little smaller i, but nonetheless i still am I.
Later is the Oncologist at the hospital to inform me of my treatment and the timetable for it. I will post that later. Please no more shocks; its hard enough as it is.

Meeting with Surgeon

Today 26th March I met with my surgeon. He explained to me all about the cancer and what stage it was at. It is worse than first thought, The cancer has been classed as T3A is 4cm in size and growing,

The cancer has probably spread but they are not 100% sure yet but the surgeon says that is is most likely to have spread into a neighbouring area. The cancer is growing inward and has breached the surface area and is now digging itself in. He confirmed that i would have a combinatioon of radiotherapy and chemotherapy. I have a meeting with the oncologist tomorrow to confirm the timeframe. The surgeon says that the chemotherapy will kill any cancerous cells in the bloodstream and stop it from migrating to lungs or liver which would be worse. The surgeon says the operation will be a major one and that i would probably spend some time in hospital. The could be complications like chest infections and normal operation dangers. The cancer is in a very bad place and that the surgery would change my life forever, there was only one option to take and was the operation.

I feel so upset and helpless as I did not realise it was so bad and this was the worse case scenario that I could imagine. I am devastated and I will never be the same person again, both physically and mentally, I feel I shall never be whole again and it will be noticable and tangible. I want to say more but I need to come to terms with this first.

What lies ahead is not good but I have to be strong and carry on ......

Prognosis

Tuesday March 6th was the day my prognosis was reavealed to me. I was told i had colon cancer and that i would need radiotherapy and chemotherapy followed by an operation.
This is my blog, it will chart my fight against cancer and outline how i feel and how the treatment will affect me both physically and mentally. I want people to know what i go through and what the treatment was like for me. I have no idea what the road ahead has laid out for me so i am going to take each day as it comes. My treatment starts very soon, withing the next 2 weeks, and i will post further updates on a daily basis when it does or if i have to see doctors etc. I will try to be as honest and precise as i can; hopefully it will help others who are going through or about to go through the same thing as me.